I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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