i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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