I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
