opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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