I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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