Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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