also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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