i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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