and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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