So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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