I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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