I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
