i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
