I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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