did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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