Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I want a musical about memes.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
