It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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