I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
