Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
