meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
