I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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