After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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