He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
