If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
