all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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