best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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