it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have feelings that need drinking.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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