And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
