Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
