Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
i believe in u and ur pee
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
