the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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