i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
even my farts smell like vagina
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
