Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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