Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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