I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize