i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
