Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We were destined to go to rehab together
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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