he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
