i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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