just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
