I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
