His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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