she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We need a shit load of segways right now
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
