i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
