when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
