I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
