Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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