I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You are the jesus of drinking
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
