I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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