Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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