ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize