btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
