I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
