The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
