I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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