Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
