i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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