I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize