That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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