I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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