His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
