Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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