Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
